I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
