My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
