The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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