I puked a lego.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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