I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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