I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
