Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
