So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
