I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
