I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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