i jhust puked up my retainher.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
