also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
