dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
