Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
