I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
