Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
