dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
