im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
i've created a new STD.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
