Ambien. No doubt about it.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
