Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
