I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
