I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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