I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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