Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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