I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
