My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
