Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
