My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
