I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
