We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
