May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
