Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I love black thongs
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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