my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
