I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
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he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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