I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
