im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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