I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my sisters under your porch take her home
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
