Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Randomize
