Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
