I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
