Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
