So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
