they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
