And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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