I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
a search helicopter?!
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
