dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
