i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize