time to smoke my breakfast
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
