Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
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Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
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You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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