There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
