Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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