Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...