I understand why you refuse to be sober now
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
