I'd wear matching sweaters with you
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
